etabeta314

I've gotten back into blogging because lately I just feel the need to write, about something, anything. I need the ability to dump some of the crap going on in my hyperactive brain. Right now is an especially bad time for me because things are changing. I only have so much energy to deal with life and my crazy. The overflow is short circuiting my brain and making me behave oddly.

I am driving everyone nuts, in other words.

My main comfort right now is my people, but I don't have many of them and, besides, my people largely consist of cynical types which fuel my own paranoia (it's not paranoia if it's true.) That has never bothered me before because I am one of those cynical folks (practical, please) but now I suppose I feel the need to change? Actually, that's not completely true; I've met someone who isn't  completely cynical who doesn't strike me as deluded and that makes me wistful. It's not something that I can have but it's something that I want...maybe..kinda..sorta. If it doesn't make me less effective in life, which it probably would...maybe...kinda...sorta? It doesn't help that I don't really understand why/how this person came to be that way and I hate not understanding people.

Not that I'm an unhappy person. I don't know where the happiness comes from but I am naturally happy. Cynical as hell but still happy. A kind of nihilism allows me to dance in the light of all my burning bridges, or something. Happy and being pissed off. Both states of being are as natural to me as day and night and l have always been content with that.

I now feel conflicted because, on one hand, I hate to think I've  been doing it wrong, but on the other, I want to live the best way I can (for the given definition of the word "best.") I am also extremely suspicious of myself and these new ideas. Perhaps, they wouldn't  improve my life, maybe I am just being stupid and romantic, or maybe I just think that because I am mentally lazy/afraid to change.

Either way, it has put everything into stark contrast: what I believe v.s. what they believe, v.s. what's real and what isn't. I've been obsessing about it and needed a place to put it  all, so here.

 P.S.  I'm sure I'll one day look back on this post and think that I was stupid either way, so if you're ahead of me already, kudos. lol.

You know what's great? Life is great. Great like pie. The kind of pie that you see and don't normally go for, because you're not really big on pie normally, but then you figure, what the hell, and it's FANTASTIC PIE! Maybe it makes you think of great times past, where you had similar pie, but took it for granted, making new-found pie even more awesome because now you have the wisdom to truly appreciate it. I want to remember this pie, and remember that pie can be awesome and worth the effort of seeking, and preserving! Finding good pie can be hard, but luckily I am not greedy, and one can be enough. My favorite pie has never bored me. Pie forever.

It's 1:37 AM and I'm blogging from my bathroom. Tomorrow I must update my resume and plot the death of my roommate.  I have gotten as far as "I enjoy working with people" and something involving a bottle of "Pyro Diablo" hot sauce, a small oriental parasol and his anus.

Rage and fear from skies above the fire fuels my veins!
Destruction of humanity the everlasting flame!
Cast away, no turning back from long forgotten shores.
We'll show no mercy as they fall.
The fire burns inside; now prepare for war!

Followed by an interlude comprised of synths and tinkly bells. Hell yeah,  Dragon Force is art. <3

Kinda sick of other people. Want to buy a nuclear silo, 3000 oranges, and live underground like Batman. I'll get a special freezer for the oranges and spend my days scooting up and down long concrete tunnels on my segway.

Someone criticized my love of segways once, asking if l wanted the Wall-E version of the future to come true. You know what? The only reason people objected was because everybody ended up fat. l have no problem with people being fat if that's what they want. Fat prejudice is getting as bad as smokers prejudice. Neither of these things should be anybody else's business; except when you blow smoke in my face, 'cause that crap gets in  your clothes and I can't find a decent dry cleaner.

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